Spend all your time waiting for that second chance ,
For the break that will make it okay .
There's always some reason to feel not good enough ,
And it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction or a beautiful release ,
Memories seep from my veins .
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe ,
I'll find some peace tonight .
In the arms of the angel far away from here ,
From this dark , cold hotel room and the endlessness that you feel .
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie ,
You're in the arms of the angel , may you find some comfort here .
So tired of the straight line and everywhere you turn ,
There's vultures and thieves at your back .
The storm keeps on twisting , you keep on building the lies ,
That make up for all that you lack .
It don't make no difference , escape one last time ,
It's easier to believe .
In this sweet madness , oh, this glorious sadness ,
That brings me to my knees .
In the arms of the angel , may you find some comfort here ...

The most beautiful song of all....

I cried to it today.......

heart hurts, mind hurts

I want to be free.......

-=Roxette - Fading Like a Flower

Just a little disclaimer before you read this, i'm not exactly in a wonderful mood right now......

In fact i feel really fucked up... Getting fucking sick of living this life... nothing ever works right for me.... got a call from parents just now... and i was actually in a studying mood before that... i spent 4 hours studying math... i have a math midterm tomorow.... so my parents were like talking about my studies and all..... about my transfer to uni..... fuck it seriously... im not fucking good in my studies and i've never been..... one of the reasons i didnt wanna come to the US was because i was not blardy smart like other people and i dont deserve to be sent here..... i hate feeling guilty and feeling disappointed at myself and also for not living up to my parents expectations..... and that phone call just made me lose my mood in studying... arghhhhhhhhhhhh,........

yes nothing actually works in my life..... my GPA's a mere 3.4 now and i need at least a 3.5 to get into berkeley... and there's hardly any other uni that offers a BA in comp sci.... other unis offer BS and i dont wanna take a BS in comp sci coz i have to do all the bullshit science subjects like physics chem and bio and i know FOR A FACT i suck at them and i dont like those subject..... hell im never good in studies.... parents say if i cant get into the unis that offer BA then ill have to take BS... wtf man.... im not taking BS for fucks sake.... ive had enough torturing myself lowering my GPA everytime i take a subject that i know i wont get an A for.... hey face it.. some people are good at studies some arent.... i like computer science actually.. programming and all that stuff.... but maths? physics? i dont know why ifucking have to take them...... its not liek you're gonna solve bloody complicated calculus questions when programing... its not like you're gonna use differntial equations to find the rate the height of the water in this cylinder is decreasing..... wtf...

this is life... thats what my parents said.. life is hard... but that is life... blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda.... fuck it... i know how hard life is... i've been living in that kind of life for the past few years???? i dont think my parents even know me... or know what i'm feeling and going through.. i just dont have that conenction with my parents....

i just wish i was alone everywhere i go.....

i just wished i wouldve did a stupid diploma in comp sci... i dont mind not getting that good of a pay as long as its enough... fucking money isnt that important ill just live a simple life..... ill be a god damned bachelor if i have to.....

my life has been full of screw ups.... nothing work as i want it to.... studied so fucking hard last quarter for my maths class and i got a fucking C!!!!! hey...i didnt study much in my first calculus class and i stil lgot a B..... hell if i get better results by not studyin... wtf is wrong?

i hope tomorow the bus i take gets bombed by terrorists or what not... i just hope that happens....

I'm about to break soon .... don't know how much i can keep everything in me any longer....... there's like a million things on my mind now and none of them are good feelings.

whateverrrr .... im getting really sick now..... ERTGERHT $# W#%&%#^$@^

say what ever u want call me whatever u want think howver you want i dont care .. dont fucking care about anything anymore.....
ive hadenough of disappointing others and also myself....

there's only one thing i want to experience in this world.... nothing else really matters.... im not someone who wants to earn millions of bucks in life or be successful and own the world.... like hell it matters to me.... i just want to experience that one thing..... fully. thats the only goal in life i have now... i wouldnt be here typing all this crap if it wasnt for that. most of you wont even know me.

-=BoA: Lights of Seoul (English Version)

Laaalalalaaaaaa!!!!

I'm at the college's media (puter lab) waiting for my next class to start cuz i have nooothhinnn else bettaaa too doooo!! Was actually thinking of going to the library to study but then had one of my mood swings and I decided to come here instead...

Java class was .... siennnn.... I still dont know how Java is associated to the coffee cup .... weird... anyway was kinda tired in Java class so kinda slept through the whole thing.... yadda yadda yadda....... first few chapters seemed quite easy to follow anyway... not much difference from C programming.... except Java is easier to use!!

Hopefully I'll be able to get all As from this quarter on.... cuz my GPA now's like 3.402..... i need 3.5 or else my chance of getting into UCBerkeley's gonna be slim... ahh actually I sortof gave up on UC Berkeley already... don't think i have a chance of getting into it..... probably I'll just end up in UC San diego (hopefully, my 2nd choice), or UC Davis or one more UC..... cant remember which one but anyway....... kinda disappointed with myself...

yadda yadda yadda again.....

Listening to BoA's Atlantis CD.... except for one song everything else is in Korean... who cares if I don't understand what the hell she's saying but she's cute, i luv her voice n her songs are nicee! (well... some)

Hmm.... called up a friend this morning... ended up talking for two hours but since I need to use up my phone card which's expiring soon..... didnt really care.. wished I had time to talk to her longer but then had to leave for college... sux! :P Just realised she's sooooo different than me and so unlike what I thought of her at first... anywayssss....

Think I kinda regret not going clubbing when I was back in Malaysia or in high school..... see this is what happens when your friends arent exactly the type who goes clubbing.... also parents who dont want me to go cuz bad influence larr blah blah blah... hehe... I wish I knew how to drink too.... cuz i don't like drinking alcohol.... weird n bad taste... haha maybe wine's okay but beer..... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........

Oohh. don't know how many times I've said this but.... I fall for a girl too easily.... any girl that seems nice and sweet.... catches my attention too easily..... its a stupid weakness that I hope to get rid of soon....

I live on feelings a lot... that's whats keeping me sane hehe.... if for once i stop liking or hving feelings for a person ill go mad.... maddd ... madddd...... yet another weakness i need to flush out of my system... being too emotional n tuned in with ur feelings is not exactly a great thing..........

.... I'm spending my time... watching the dayysss goo by.... feeling so small... I stare at the wall... hoping that you... are missing me too....

^^One of my fav songs.... been listening to it quite a lot too... what song? find out urselves!! bwahahaha...

Time to go! 12:10 already.... 12:30 class starts..... last class then i'm home free...... don't know if i should stay back after class to study... doubtful I will but if my mood swings to the 'studying' mood then yea you'll see me in the library extensively studying!! <--- Its a rare sight bytheway if u ask me

Ciaozzzzzzzzzzzz....................

- Tangshin-i cho-a-yo -

-=Winamp : Staind - So Far Away

Had a scary n weird dream today.. well can call it a nightmare lar.. but I'm not gonna share nightmares :P been having a rojak of different dreams lately.... even the dream i had which i wrote about during my last entry...was during a 30 min sleep... but it was kinda meaningful... as if it's trying to tell me something.... maybe its a message from God giving me the answers to the questions and the thoughts that I have been having over the past few weeks... don't know if I should be sad or happy.

I would be so much better if I didn't have feelings like these... would be so much better if the only feelings in the world were good feelings.

---
I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
---

A lot of thing's been bothering me...

I feel I've grown really distant with some of my friends that were once close...

Now I don't know who to go to for a talk... especially since that's what I really need right now...

I don't know why I've become so much of a whiner...

hmmmmm

aih.

Gotta go get ready for college ... i'd rather not keep myself idle n think about stuff too much...