Babieee...... love you...miz youuuuuuu......... hehe <3

Bullshit Bingo [Random!]

Came across this while looking through some tech RSS feeds for today:

Bullshit Bingo!!

Yup, that's Bullshit Bingo for work! Definitely something to spice up conferences/meetings :) At your own risk of course.

Things couldn't have gone worse, really.

Last week was a horrible week. 2 midterms and 3 homeworks due. The CS 161 midterm wasn't that bad, with the exception that I missed some obvious answers that I should've been able to get. It really sucks to have two midterms on the same day. It sucks even more to have loads of homework due for every class on the day before the midterm, leaving hardly any time during the week to study.

Anyway, the worse wasn't till it was time for my Math 110 midterm. There were about 6 questions, each one 10 points. 6 questions, I thought intitally, shouldn't be that hard, in fact they don't look that hard. Yes my friends, things aren't as they seem, and what you see can deceive you. The fucking midterm was more like a calculus midterm instead of a Math 110 Linear Algebra midterm. HOW LUCKY I WAS TO NOT HAVE REMEMBERED MY INTEGRALS AND TRIGONOMETRY SHIT THAT I LEARNT FROM TWO YEARS BACK!! I mean wtf, the midterm was totally different compared to the Practice Midterm that was given to us to prepare (kononnya) for the midterm. WHAT THE F!!!! I could go on bitching about the midterm, but to cut things short, I was probably the prime candidate for the most pissed off and most disappointed person in the fucking universe right after the midterm.

And to think that before I took the midterm I said that I liked the class.......

.....

Forwarding back to the present.....

So, with the expectation that I'll get maybe a 30/60 for my Math 110 midterm, which is bad enough, I sat in the Math 110 lecture today, listening to the professor saying that the median score for the midterm was a 40!!! a 40!!!??? And there I was before this thinking that probably most people did badly cuz the midterm was a fucked up one. False hope I guess... false hope to provide consolation to myself, that I did bad but others probably did bad too. Looks like it really was false hope.

Ooookay, so most people didn't do as bad as I thought they did. So curious as I was, I went to the course website and looked at the score curve, and I was a little disappointed. Yes, just a little. Then I went to look at the answers to the midterm. Recalling what I wrote in the midterm, and comparing to the answers given, I realised that I probably failed the midterm. wtf. At first I thought I could get a 30/60, and now I would be happy if I got a 20/60. That would be a miracle too because I got.. ALL.... yes ALL the answers wrong. The only way I wouldn't get a zero was if the graders don't give any partial credit for whatever I wrote even though the answers are wrong. They certainly didnt give any partial credit for the homework, so I just hope they would give some on the midterm.

Sigh.

Sometimes, well most of the times these days, especially with the stress, I keep thinking about what my purpose in life is. What do I want to do is still not all that clear to me. I know I want to do something with computer science, but not specifically what yet. A lot of times I just feel that I'm not good enough to do all these kind of sciences, and honestly I just wished I had taken a social sciences or arts/humanities course. I don't know why I came to Berkeley where everyone around me is super smart and I am obviously not as smart. Hell I was never good in studies - in high school, in my first two years at De Anza college, I was almost always below average. I've had definitely a lot more downs than ups in my academic studies. I just............. whatever......

This week I'll be getting my results for my CS 161 midterm and my CS 170 midterm. I just realised I have a Math 110 homework due Thursday, on top of Statistics homework and CS 161 homework and CS 170 homework due Thursday too. Finally the icing on the cake will be my Statistics midterm on Thursday as well, and Statistics is one class that I am struggling with. I've dealt with stress and pressure before, but never before on this level of intensity.

Why did I even take Math classes this semester... Why did I even take 4 classes this semester? I'm probably committing academic suicide by doing so.

...

Maybe it's just God punishing me. I haven't been going to church since classes started. Not like I have time to anyway with all the work I have every week. Sometimes I want to go watch movies at the theatres but there's just no fucking time with the classes I am taking. If there's another thing I'm disappointed with, it's my spiritual journey. It hasn't been good lately. I just wish I could find solace by talking to God, like other people do. I don't know why when I try, I don't feel any better, nor do I find solace in that.

I don't know what else to do. To my life, to my studies, to everything. I just wish sometimes life is easy, people get along well, grades don't matter, learning is fun, peer pressure and stress is nonexistant... But of course, life isn't like that.

I just wish sometimes it was.

Boring as it might sound, at least when we live in that kind of world, we won't know what 'boring' is.


I need a break. A long one. Or at least something good happening to me.

Before I start losing myself.

If there's a place where I can study and do my work properly, it's not the library, it's not my apartment, it's not under a tree. Despite the 3 flatscreen TVs playing chinese/korean/jap music videos around me, I seem to be able to do my homework better here in The Old Tea House, than at quiet places. Not to mention a huge tabletop fan buzzing at full speed near me. Anyways, I love this place. Not a huge 'restaurant', but their milk tea with tapioca is the BEST around. Their food isn't that great though IMO for the price, or maybe it's just me, not that I come here for the food anyway =D

This week is the start of a hectic semester. The past 3 weeks there were just homework for 3 classes of mine, and this week I have homework for that other 4th class I'm taking. Trust me, having 3 homework in Berkeley can drive you crazy, especially if all are from technical classes. 4 pieces of homework can keep you awake till 3am everyday trying to finish up the homework. Not to mention that studying is a MUST everyday, otherwise you're screwed when the class materials snowball to the next week and the next .......

Geez I wonder why I took Probability and Linear Algebra classes this semester. Frankly I'm not a Math person at all, and that makes the materials harder for me to comprehend. I'm hoping I'm not committing academic suicide. One good thing next semester is that I'll be taking only TWO classes, and next semester will be the final semester I'll be at Berkeley, unless I decide to stay for summer.

I still haven't decided what to do when I graduate. I know I won't be going to graduate school. I'll most likely find a job, and if possible I'll get a tech job in a company that'll outsource me to Malaysia. Maybe I'll just get a job in Malaysia. Yea I know living in the US is great, the American Dream, standard of living is better etc... but I love my home country. Given the chance to migrate to the US I wouldn't either. It's just the policies of the US and the politics and its self-proclaimed status as the world's peacekeepers that I don't agree with.

Oh Well....... gonna get back to my statistics homework. Hopefully I'll get it done today and I can work on my other 3 homework tomorrow... hopefully....

I need you baby........desperately..................................................... ;( really..... ;(

Anyone heard of mushroom barley soup? It's a combination of mushroom and (doh) barley in a soup mixed together with other vegetables. Well, that's what I'm having for lunch now, at the FSM cafe at the moffit library. IT sounded 'unique' so I decided to try it out and honestly, it's not that bad. barley with mushrooms. Anyone want some?

Day didn't start out as bad as yesterday. Obviously all the homework was due yesterday so after yesterday ended, the stress did too. Though it will only be a matter of time before the stress builds up again and I start going crazy. There will definitely be 3 homeworks due this coming Thursday, and most likely my other class, CS 194, will have a homework of some sort. Hopefully, it wouldn't be that bad. I guess I'll just have to start my hoemwork earlier.

So I woke up at about 9am today, despite my classes being at 1pm. Wanted to go back to sleep again but I was already too awake to go back to sleep. Why is it that when I want to sleep but I can't, and when I don't want to fall asleep sleeping just becomes so trivial (liek how I fell asleep in my previous class today for a few minutes). Ugh now I feel like sleeping......... I have fkin 1 more class to go, from 3pm to 4pm. 2.30pm right now. I hate Fridays. Usually I don't have classes on Fridays. Fridays are supposed to be a holiday, for students here at least. Most students don't have classes on Friday, or have just one class. But I have 3 classes! 3!!!!!! I'm just so lazy aren't I?

I miss my darling Julia. Woke up this morning and she was the first thing that came to mind. I haven't had any dreams in the past week or so, and it's been a long time since I've dreamt of my baby =(. Called her a while after I woke up and we talked for about 45 mins only cuz it was already late and I had to go to class. Wish we could've talked longer... though she has to wake up in 2 hours to go to Kuching for an assignment or somehting. With all the plane crashes happening in the past few months I just can't help but be worried, and to pray that God will grant her a safe journey to and back home.

The guy sitting beside me just used the most common pick up line ever. So happens a girl comes to sit at the same table as him cuz the cafe's like... packed...

him: "You look familiar....."
her: "Really?"
him: "What's your name?"
her: (I didnt hear what she said)
him: (I didnt care to hear what he said)
*The guy's handphone rings... he talks for a while, keeps talking....*

Ugh that guy's still talking on the phone. whatever. Not like there's gonna be anything interesting, or even a conversation, after he hangs up. *Never answer your phone if it rings while you're trying to pickup a girl.

Yay me I have cs 170 lecture in 20 minutes. And it looks like there are people waiting for a seat who are staring occasionaly at me cuz I've already finished my soup and I'm just sitting here using a laptop.

.....

Why can't they just look somewhere else, it's not like I'm going to leave soon unless they want to stand there holding their trays and wait till I'm done? Besides I'm not the only one here sitting down not eating. So many tables have people just sitting down and studying/talking. Look at THEM!

....................

Football (American football) tomorow. Cal's playing at Washington if I'm not mistaken. Hopefully we won't screw up like we did in our last game with Sacramento State, even though we whooped them 41-3 or something. It wasn't a spectacular game though, so damn sloppy. Hope we do better tomorow.

2:47pm. 13 more minutes till my class starts. 23 more minutes till my class really starts. Yea all classes here 'start' on time but the teaching doesn't begin until 10 minutes after, to accommodate people transitioning between classes, especially if their previous class is on the other side of campus. Good thing I'm lucky this semester and all my classes are close to each other so I don't need to travel from one end of the campus to another. It IS after all a big campus.

Oh crap, just remembered I gotta go get a 20 foot or longer ethernet cable to connect my laptop to the router back at home. Yea there's wireless but the wireless has some problems (ie it keeps disconnecting etc). And I have to go withdraw money again. Looks like my daily spending's going up to about 15 bucks instead of about 10 bucks. Lunch usually's about 5 or 6 bucks, dinner's usually about 8-10 if I order a drink and about 5-7 bucks if I don't. But then again restaurants usually make their food 'saltier' or add more MSG so you WILL have to buy a drink, and that's where most restaurants make money - in the drinks and not the food.

Class' starting soon and I'd better get going.

It's COOOOOLLLDDD outside today.

Once again, I hate the weather.

Miss ya too baby..... :P Muacks :*

Fricken library was closed........

Well it is Labor Day, a public holiday, but then again the library's sometimes open during public holidays. grr.... brought my books and my stuff downhill to the library, and ended up walking uphill back. stupid. Gotta remind myself to look at the library schedules online first next time before planning to go to the library.

So yea, it's a Monday, but a public holiday, and I'm stuck at home with loads of homework to do. Probably finish my statistics hw today, then work on my cs 170 hw tomorow or something. Good thing it's a Tueday tomorow cuz I hardly have any classes on Tuesday, unlike MWF where I have 3 classes.

Should I take up Italian Cooking? Always wanted to learn about italian cooking. It's a 2 unit class on Wednesdays. If I take it I will have 17 total units, which is quite a lot and actually more than needed. Hmmmmm.

This diet mountain dew is quite addictive. In fact mountain dew is addictive. Well it does have the most amount of caffeine compared to Coke and other soft drinks. Great for keeping me awake :P

Well nothing else I wanna say except I HATE THE WEATHER. stupid weather's sooo damn hot in the day and extreeeemely cold at night. Ughh......

Work Work.....

Well looks like I havent posted for a long time.... doh

Anyway, I got my lappy on Friday. Had to go get it the hard way though because the stupid UPS truck came when I was in class, so no one was in the apartment to receive the delivery. After my classes I came back home soooo damn excited, thinking that the UPS truck hadn't arrived yet and when I saw that UPS InfoNotice sticker on the door I was like @#$@$@#%#%!#$!@#!@. Potong stim. So I called them up and found that the next delivery wouldbe Tuesday, since Monday is Labor Day Holiday. No classses!!!! No delivery too =\. Since Tuesday I had classes during their delivery time I thought might as well go to their UPS facility, which happens to be in RICHMOND!!!!!!!!!@#@#@!#!@ (that's about half n hour drive away, and I don't drive). And they said I could only pick up the package from 8.30pm to 9pm. WTF? Ended up leaving house at 7.30, took the BART to richmond, then had to take a bus to the UPS facility, for a total of 1.5 hours. Went there and there was a huge lineeeeee... Lucky me >.< When I got home it was like 11pm. So scary carrying a package in downtown waiting for a bus that late at night. 1.3k$ worth of stuff and if I got mugged, GG.

Considering my life at Berkeley, that was the event of the weekend. Dammit 1st week of the semester and I have tons of homework due on Thursday. I'm taking 4 classes this semester for a total of 15 units - Math 110(Linear Algebra), Stat 134 (probabilities), CS 194 (Experimental class for Security, CS 170 (CS Theory). 4 classes!!!!! I took 3 classes last semester only and I almost lost my sanity. Hopefully this semester wont be that bad. So far it seems manageable. Math 110 and cs 170 would be the hardest classes amongst the 4 if you ask me. I'm just not a math person and those 2 classes deaals with a lot of proofing and abstract stuff. Ugh. The security class I;m taking is an experimental class and there's like 4 professors co-teaching that class. Each lecture session has a different professor. Kinda cool in a way, but then it's an experimental class, so it'll probably be harder and then from this 'experiment' the administrators will make any necessary changes to the difficulty/syllabus of the class based on the feedback that we have to give them at the end of the semester.

Did I mention this laptop was big, and heavier than I imagined?

....

Anyway, looks like I will be able to graduate at the end of next semester. I might decide to stay and take up a summer internship instead of graduating so soon. Or I might just graduate and goodbye books. Haven't really decided yet. Haven't really thought much about it. Oh wellz...

Sigh, I miss my darling so much. LDR sucks to be honest. Then again not everything that you want's easy to get or doesn't suck. Bah. If only we could be implanted with a chip that contains all the information we want, like we can go to a departmental store and buy a chip containing linear algebra and we could just learn linear algebra instantly by implanting it in our selves. Please don't say 'that takes away the fun of learning'........


Well, I think I better get back to doing my homework. The atmosphere in the library cafe (not as in cybercafe but like in starbucks) is actually quite condusive and relaxing. I'll probably be around here more often in the future, since Starbucks' like a mile away and getting back home from Starbucks' uphill.

Wonder if I should get another glass of coffee.... my brain cells won't be happy though....

Oh and xiaoxue.blogspot.com is an interesting read, if anyone's bored.

Well even if I lose my sanity, I still have my beloved Julia.

Surprise surprise!!! I'm still allliiiiiveeeeeeeeee...

well, maybe not after tomorow.

Having my last final paper tomorow. EE42. Digital electronics. Electronics. So totally not my interest.

Well maybe when i get back to KL, and with a whole lot of spare time on my hands, I'd actually do something to my site. Maybe a makeover. Hah, fat chance. You always say you'd do something or blog more often but you never do.

I've already lost my social life this semester (yes I had one mind you) and I'm starting to lose my sanity. Having a final exam on the final day is............... not something great. Watching students and friends leave earlier because their exams end earlier, while you're stuck up reading a 879 page textbook .... SUCKS.

.

Oh, I was going to say I think I'm only going to blog here when there's something
I wanna talk about the both of us. Otherwie, it would be my own blog. Nothing private there but just that this was not my own blog after all. Just didn't feel that comfortable blogging on someone else's site; when most of its readers are not my own / close friends. Hope someone understands what I was just trying to say. At least someone.

Blogging while in class. Muahaha. Leturers are all giving tutorial to different groups and mine was the first ones to see the lecturer. So it was all good :)

What am doing? I wanted to blog something about Woon & I. Hmm... dunno la. Suddenly got lost for words. Recently, I keep loosing the mood to blog about anything. Even now. Everything's changing so quickly. Too fast maybe. Or maybe I was just too blnd before this. *shrug*

Luarani (1976 - 2005)

January 28th, 2005 - 1645hrs
Got a return call from my former manager, Kumar,with an 'anyway' news. "Lua's in a very critical condition now and the doctors gave her about 2 more weeks to live. We're all going to the hospital to visit her later. Do you wanna come along?"

When I heard 2 weeks, I almost couldn't believe my ears. Two weeks? Wasn't it only a minor surgery in the first place and a diabetes detection after that? Why suddenly two weeks and so critical? It was only a growth at first which was thought to be an early detection of cancer. I soon learned that it was as simple as that.

As soon as I entered her room with my other collegues, the first thing I noticed was her size. She was so small compared to how she had always been. I was like, "Gasp, oh my gosh." I was definitely shocked. Shocked about everything. Shocked about her sickness. Shocked about the doctor's darn prediction. Shocked about the way she looked. I know it's normal for cancer patients but I just never expected her to be in such a condition.

She was lying down on her stomach, breathing in oxygen from a mask, while complaining about the pain and nausea she was suffering from. I had imagined myself walking to her and would call her 'tengga' the minute I see her, because that's how she usually calls me. And then I thought I would make her laugh and everything because that's how she usually is. She was always cheerful, smiling, teasing and being teased all the time. The minute I saw her groaning face down, I felt helpless. Standing at one side of the bed, behind one of my collegues comforting and talking to her, I just didn't know what else I could do, or what to say to her. "I'm sorry for not coming to visit you all this while"? "because I was busy during my 3-month summer break"?

But I talked to her anyway. Choked with tiny sobs, I only managed to say "Hey..." Her husband rubbed her back everytime she complained about the nausea. I looked at the husband who appeared to be very calmed, protective, and comforting, and the whole scene reminded me of Heng Woon; who once said he wouldn't bear to see me lying sick in the hospital like that. At that point I just thought, what if she's really going? How would the husband feel? What would he do and what would happen to him?

After some time, I went over and tried to talk to her again. I know she can't reply much. Or at all. I really didn't know what to say. So I asked a few questions [which is of course not "how are you"] and got a reply from her, "Don't talk....I can't talk...." I just kept saying "You'll be fine kay? You know you will..."

After about 2 whole hours we were there, we finally made the move to leave and come back another day. So everyone said their goodbyes to her. I said to her, "Hey, we're all gonna go now. I'll come back another day ok? I'll bring my friends along and then we'll pray for you, alright? You have to be strong ok? Just keep being strong ok? You'll be ok. Alright? I love you..."

Those 3 words - she had said them to me a million times before, but I never replied or did anything with it. I just giggled them off. Although I know she meant them, and I felt the same way.


January 29th, 2005 - 1218hrs
Got a SMS from Kumar that said "Lua passed away at 4am this morning. Funeral will be held tomorrow." I didn't cry instantly. Instead, the first person I called was my youth pastor, Joshua, whom I had called the night before to support in prayer. And whom by the way, has met her once. As I tried to break the news to him, the tears and sobs started. That was when I really cried. Until now. Whenever I think of her.

She was a friend, a big sister, and a good mom in the making. She loved kids and has a great passion for music. Although she wasn't blessed with any child, she was certainly blessed with a very good voice. A voice so good, that I was taken aback the first time I heard her sing. A voice I would never be able to hear again. And a big sister, which I would never be able to laugh about and laugh with again.