Things couldn't have gone worse, really.

Last week was a horrible week. 2 midterms and 3 homeworks due. The CS 161 midterm wasn't that bad, with the exception that I missed some obvious answers that I should've been able to get. It really sucks to have two midterms on the same day. It sucks even more to have loads of homework due for every class on the day before the midterm, leaving hardly any time during the week to study.

Anyway, the worse wasn't till it was time for my Math 110 midterm. There were about 6 questions, each one 10 points. 6 questions, I thought intitally, shouldn't be that hard, in fact they don't look that hard. Yes my friends, things aren't as they seem, and what you see can deceive you. The fucking midterm was more like a calculus midterm instead of a Math 110 Linear Algebra midterm. HOW LUCKY I WAS TO NOT HAVE REMEMBERED MY INTEGRALS AND TRIGONOMETRY SHIT THAT I LEARNT FROM TWO YEARS BACK!! I mean wtf, the midterm was totally different compared to the Practice Midterm that was given to us to prepare (kononnya) for the midterm. WHAT THE F!!!! I could go on bitching about the midterm, but to cut things short, I was probably the prime candidate for the most pissed off and most disappointed person in the fucking universe right after the midterm.

And to think that before I took the midterm I said that I liked the class.......

.....

Forwarding back to the present.....

So, with the expectation that I'll get maybe a 30/60 for my Math 110 midterm, which is bad enough, I sat in the Math 110 lecture today, listening to the professor saying that the median score for the midterm was a 40!!! a 40!!!??? And there I was before this thinking that probably most people did badly cuz the midterm was a fucked up one. False hope I guess... false hope to provide consolation to myself, that I did bad but others probably did bad too. Looks like it really was false hope.

Ooookay, so most people didn't do as bad as I thought they did. So curious as I was, I went to the course website and looked at the score curve, and I was a little disappointed. Yes, just a little. Then I went to look at the answers to the midterm. Recalling what I wrote in the midterm, and comparing to the answers given, I realised that I probably failed the midterm. wtf. At first I thought I could get a 30/60, and now I would be happy if I got a 20/60. That would be a miracle too because I got.. ALL.... yes ALL the answers wrong. The only way I wouldn't get a zero was if the graders don't give any partial credit for whatever I wrote even though the answers are wrong. They certainly didnt give any partial credit for the homework, so I just hope they would give some on the midterm.

Sigh.

Sometimes, well most of the times these days, especially with the stress, I keep thinking about what my purpose in life is. What do I want to do is still not all that clear to me. I know I want to do something with computer science, but not specifically what yet. A lot of times I just feel that I'm not good enough to do all these kind of sciences, and honestly I just wished I had taken a social sciences or arts/humanities course. I don't know why I came to Berkeley where everyone around me is super smart and I am obviously not as smart. Hell I was never good in studies - in high school, in my first two years at De Anza college, I was almost always below average. I've had definitely a lot more downs than ups in my academic studies. I just............. whatever......

This week I'll be getting my results for my CS 161 midterm and my CS 170 midterm. I just realised I have a Math 110 homework due Thursday, on top of Statistics homework and CS 161 homework and CS 170 homework due Thursday too. Finally the icing on the cake will be my Statistics midterm on Thursday as well, and Statistics is one class that I am struggling with. I've dealt with stress and pressure before, but never before on this level of intensity.

Why did I even take Math classes this semester... Why did I even take 4 classes this semester? I'm probably committing academic suicide by doing so.

...

Maybe it's just God punishing me. I haven't been going to church since classes started. Not like I have time to anyway with all the work I have every week. Sometimes I want to go watch movies at the theatres but there's just no fucking time with the classes I am taking. If there's another thing I'm disappointed with, it's my spiritual journey. It hasn't been good lately. I just wish I could find solace by talking to God, like other people do. I don't know why when I try, I don't feel any better, nor do I find solace in that.

I don't know what else to do. To my life, to my studies, to everything. I just wish sometimes life is easy, people get along well, grades don't matter, learning is fun, peer pressure and stress is nonexistant... But of course, life isn't like that.

I just wish sometimes it was.

Boring as it might sound, at least when we live in that kind of world, we won't know what 'boring' is.


I need a break. A long one. Or at least something good happening to me.

Before I start losing myself.