-=Winamp : Air Supply - Goodbye

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and i sympathize
And I'll never criticize all you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but good-bye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure i'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say good-bye
*******

I like this song!!! cuz its sooo sad.... lol. I dont know why but I like songs, movies, that are reallllly sad... I like songs that I can cry to while just thinking of the lyrics...*sigh* Yea I'm kinda screwed up huh?

*wonders if there's a classification or a word to describe people like me.. people who enjoy sadness, pain, hurt (emotionally, not physically, so don't go around hitting me ok.....) *

Well I haven't been updating my blog at all in the past week... just didn't have the mood to blog. If I did though I'd probably be complaining and bitchin' abot my life being sucky in my entries. I think the night is having really bad effects on me... I'm a night person, but it's always at night where I become really moody, my feelings really get thrown and basically, I feel like shit... Maybe it's because I'm flying back to the US next Saturday afternoon, and I'm quite hesitant in going back...

The 1 1/2 months I've spent back here home had me really regretting going over to the US to study. Well I didn't wanna go in the first place, I wasn't keen on going there ... felt it was better if I had studied back here in KL, not have my parents spend so much money on me since I don't do well academically... I've had people telling me I;m lucky to be able to go overseas to study, yea I'm lucky to them.. but I dont consider myself lucky.. I'd think me being lucky would be me not being able to get my student Visa on the day of my flight and thus, me not being able to go over to the U S of A to study.

Why, you ask?? Well I don't really fancy going to such a far away place and have my parents spend so much money on me.... After being there for a year I've realized how much better I would be back in KL studying in a local college.... I don't click with people over there in the US, just not my type of people... only people I can click with are my roommates probably but still they get on my nerves at times... Then also I miss my friends back here in KL... I feel very insecure making new friends over there in the US... *sigh* so many other reasons.....

Oh well.... *shrug*

*looks at ICQ list... discovers there isn't anyone interesting to talk to online* haih... don't think I wanna talk to anyone anyway right now... been pretty cold and harsh while chatting with people online during the past week.. said things I probably shouldn't have said, let my feelings get the better of me, bitching about life to other people... I haven't been myself recently... its just... so many feelings, thoughts, emotions, regrets, depression... I believe that's just who I am.. and if I hadn't been able to control them before I wouldn't be here blogging already... I think I've begun to lose control over them recently... =(

Ever had this sudden feeling of sadness, yet you don't know whats really causing the sadness? Ever felt really depressed and felt like crying not because of something but because of everything? Ever had a sudden rush of questions through ur mind and not being able to keep up with them, unable to find all the answers? Ever felt like you deserve so much more?

The past's been haunting me a lot too... it's interesting how just one single incident that happened in ur life can change everything, the way you think and deal with things, for the rest of your life... been feeling really insecure after that incident about getting into a relationship, or even pursuing one... so afraid of getting hurt again... and I so want things to work well the next time I go for a try at a relationship..

I think what I'm missing is loving someone.. the feeling of falling in love... and the fact that I stop myself everytime from doing so because I'm afraid of being hurt, rejected, again... and I'm studying in the US... I know I can't possibly let myself fall for someone.... see.. this sucks... wanting something and yet knowing that you wont be able to get it .. knowing that you have to sacrifice that craving because of other things..... again, I dont know if u get what I mean but... I dont know how else to put it....

And I have this huuuuge feeling that I'm gonna lose one or two friendships, or grow even more distant... I'm so afraid of losing certain people in my life... I don't know what I would do without them... =~(

I feel like hugging someone . . . . . . . . . . . . .